Planning to Leave an Abusive Relationship
If you are experiencing domestic violence and abuse, you are not responsible for and do not have control over your partner's violence. But you do have control over how to respond to them and how best to get you and your chidlren to safety.
You may also wish to take any small items that have sentimental value, eg photos, jewellery, the children's favourite toys.
Leave when the perpetrator is not around.
If you do leave you may want to tell your employer - being a victim of domestic abuse is not your fault and there may be things that your workplace can do, eg time off work to see a solicitor, screening your telephone calls at work, etc. Check if your employer has a workplace policy in relation to domestic abuse.
You may also wish to inform friends and family, so that they are aware of the situation and do not tell your partner where you and the children are staying. Advise them to call the police if they see your partner near where you work or live, or by the child's school(s). You may have to inform your child's school(s), especially if you do not want your partner to pick the children up from school in your absence.
Visit a solicitor, or ask your local refuge, about your rights to protection.
Back to the domestic abuse homepage
There could come a time when you may have to leave your home. This might be when the relationship is over, or to escape an abusive incident. It could also be to take a break to plan and think about what options are open to you and your children.
Planning how you will leave, and preparing for leaving, will help you to feel more in control, especially if you have to leave at short-notice. The more time you have to plan, the more you can do before you leave - making it less obvious and safer for you and your children. The following is a suggested plan of action before you leave.
- Find somewhere to make a private phone call - either at the home of someone you trust, or a public phone box.
- Plan how you would leave if you left during a violent incident - think of how you will get out of the house - which doors/windows/stairs you will use.
- Develop a routine and leave your keys and purse in the same place every time - then if you leave in a hurry you will instinctively know where they are.
- Keep an extra set of keys for the house, flat, car at work or with a neighbour or relative you trust - instruct them never to tell your partner they have them.
- Try to save money for bus, train, cab fares, food, etc - enough to last a few days at least. Note - local refuges will help regardless of whether or not you leave with money. They will also accept reverse charge calls in an emergency.
- Make a list of places that you can go in an emergency where you will feel safe and will be protected.
- Carry a list of numbers for an emergency, include friends, relatives, local police, Women's Aid, solicitor, etc as even well known numbers can be forgotten in a panic. It may be helpful to list the numbers under 'false names' or codes.
- Keep copies of important documents - benefit books, marriage and birth certiciates, medical cards, court orders, legal and financial papers, passports, cheque books, house documents, address books - try and keep original documents together in one place if possible.
- Explain to the children that you are planning to leave if you consider this safe or appropriate to do so.
- Teach children to use the phone to contact the police - use a 'codeword' or signal that will alert the children so that they can call for help. Tell children that they should not try to call for help unless it is safe for them to do so.
- Keep the spare keys, money, documents, and a change of clothes for yourself and the children packed ready in a bag that can be taken quickly. If you are unable to hide these at home, leave them with a trusted friend or relative instead.
- Keep all prescription medicines, inhalers, etc together in a place where they can be collected quickly and easily.
You may also wish to take any small items that have sentimental value, eg photos, jewellery, the children's favourite toys.
Leave when the perpetrator is not around.
If you do leave you may want to tell your employer - being a victim of domestic abuse is not your fault and there may be things that your workplace can do, eg time off work to see a solicitor, screening your telephone calls at work, etc. Check if your employer has a workplace policy in relation to domestic abuse.
You may also wish to inform friends and family, so that they are aware of the situation and do not tell your partner where you and the children are staying. Advise them to call the police if they see your partner near where you work or live, or by the child's school(s). You may have to inform your child's school(s), especially if you do not want your partner to pick the children up from school in your absence.
Visit a solicitor, or ask your local refuge, about your rights to protection.
Back to the domestic abuse homepage
