Information for Mothers
'He hits me, but he's good to the kids'
If you are living with an abusive partner:
This is commonly said by women subjected to domestic violence. But by abusing you, the children's mother, he is not being "good to the kids". Showing attention or affection to his children cannot make up for denying them (through his violence) their right to a safe and happy childhood.
You are Not to Blame
You may be feeling responsible for your partner's violence, and for the impact his behaviour is having on the children. Remember you are not to blame for his violence, and you are not responsible for the effect his abuse of you has had on your children.Seek Support so that you can Support your Bhildren
No matter how caring a parent you are, at some level your ability to do your best for your children will be affected by your partner's violence. Sadly this is a time when your children are likely to need your care and attention more than ever. Until you can get the help you need to make yourself safe, your children cannot feel safe or happy knowing that their mother is being hurt.Difficult Choices
In abuse relationship, a mother's concern for the children is probably a major factor (if not the major factor) in whether or not you decide to separate. It is often confusing and difficult to weigh up which situation is best for your children. You may have thought 'How can I take them away from their dad whom they love, their home, their pets, their school?' 'He says he will get custody of the kids.' 'Can I offer the kids anything better?' 'Are we in more danger if we leave?' The following suggestions may assist you in caring for your children, and in making choices about your situation.If you are living with an abusive partner:
- If you are going to be able to help your kids you need to get help too. Our domestic abuse homepage provides some helpful information.
- Even though your children may not have been in the room, they will have been able to sense the atmosphere, so if you can, explain to them what is happening.
- Let them know it is not their role to protect you.
- Let them know that you want to know how they feel.
- Assure them that feeling frightened, angry, confused or sad is normal in the situation.
- Find a trustworthy, sympathetic adult that the kids can talk to (ie school counsellor, relative).
- Seek counselling and support groups for yourself and your children.
- Encourage your children to talk about how they are feeling.
- If you leave your home, take favourite toys and some of your children's other items.
- Seek parenting support.
- Contact domestic violence and/or legal services. You can contact the services listed under our domestic abuse contacts page.
- Tell your children of your plans for the future.
- Seek legal advice.
